I hate this saying, "The best way to get over a person is to get under a new one." Whoever made this statement, I’d like to see them in session pro bono to process this statement. A common thing I’ve noticed in sessions is people still in current relationships, whether married or dating, and they are already dating or talking to somebody else while still in their existing relationship. That is a recipe for disaster, and I will tell you to exit stage left if this is what you are doing. I encourage people not to do this for several reasons.
- The first reason is that you have not healed nor given yourself time to process the grief in the current situation that you’re in. I don’t care how you dress this up. There’s no way that you have dealt with your current relationship if you are already in another situation, and it does not matter how long you have not been sexual with this person or how long you’ve been disconnected from your original partner. I’ve heard all these excuses, a.k.a. justifications, and I’m not subscribing to them. If you are still cohabiting and in a relationship, you have not dealt with that relationship. I also think it would be very beneficial to explore. Why can’t you give yourself the time to heal, and or why do I if this applies to you? Why can’t I be by myself? Why do I have to stay in relationships?
- The second reason is that you do not know why you are attached to the new person you are entangled with. I don’t care if you see this person, and I don’t care about all the great qualities they have. Typically, when you have attached to somebody else while you are in a current relationship, you are attaching to them because they are meeting an unmet need in your current relationship. That does not mean that that is who you are supposed to be with. In that case, we are blind to the other characteristics of that person, and repeatedly, bring in the baggage that has not been addressed in that relationship. And do not believe the lie you tell yourself when you say, 'I can heal while I’m in a relationship with a person' because that is not true. Sorry, not sorry.
- Lastly, and most importantly, it's just not fair to you as a person. You deserve to heal. You deserve to process your grief, the process you’re feeling, and date yourself for some time to learn who you are outside of this relationship now. You deserve happiness and all the things that you want in a relationship. When you do not allow yourself to heal, you will rob yourself of what you genuinely wish to do simply because you did not take the time to work on yourself. And I’d like to add this because I know you might be considering it. I don’t want to let the person I’m entangled with go because they make me so happy. What if they move on while I'm healing? Then you weren’t meant to be. We don’t get to control the what-ifs. If you have to work on yourself and it’s meant for you to reconnect, you will, or it wasn’t meant to be, and that season ended.