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Published:August 2, 2023

Is that out of their character or is THAT THEIR TRUE CHARACTER?

t’s never easy to accept that a person we care about is not the person we thought they were. Oftentimes, I hear people make excuses for individuals. The client will say someone's behavior is “out of their character” but as they keep talking it appears this behavior continues to be aligned with the person they're describing, and it appears to be the person's character. Sometimes it's not them, it’s us struggling to “Accept” the reality of who this person is or who they have now become. So instead, we make excuses or “justifications” for their behavior. I want you to ask yourself one question. How is making excuses helping you? Most people will find that it is not. So, here’s what we have to do. First, accept the fact that this is who they are. Next, we need to change. Yes, that’s RIGHT YOU HAVE TO CHANGE. What they're doing clearly works for them, but not you. This will entail you setting boundaries with this individual. That can look like you are having a discussion with the person to address the behavior, ending the relationship with them all together or distancing yourself from the person.  Each situation will be different, and you will have to determine what steps work for you depending on the behavior. Either way, we don't want to continue a pattern of engaging in a relationship that is not supportive, encouraging, loving and overall beneficial to you. 

  • Shareela Allen- LCSW

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